I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
