rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Dignity is for republicans.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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