We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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