I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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