something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
