I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
