my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
