you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
