my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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