if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
