Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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