I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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