Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
