Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
