Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
