forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Randomize
