Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
