I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
