good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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