just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
