I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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