I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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