in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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