just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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