Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
