Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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