Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
