Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Randomize
