what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
