"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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