just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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