Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
