My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
two words...techno handjob
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
