On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
