I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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