I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
