Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
