I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
