My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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