Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
