Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
