he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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