So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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