My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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