i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
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