the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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