I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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