You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
