In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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