There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
