I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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