my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
