Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
