Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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