Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize