My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
