just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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