Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
