I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
