I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
