Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
