You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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