The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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